


...in grief

by BriMac0518



Series: The Arcana - 50 Kisses [12]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gender-Neutral Apprentice (The Arcana), Grief, M/M, Mourning, Multi, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 02:01:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21384247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BriMac0518/pseuds/BriMac0518
Summary: The loss of their lover has left Asra and Julian reeling, but they realize how much they still need each other.
Relationships: Asra/Julian Devorak, mentions of past Apprentice/Asra/Julian Devorak
Series: The Arcana - 50 Kisses [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1531607
Kudos: 96





	...in grief

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn't think of any possible way to make a grief prompt happy so this one's sad, but at least there's a bit of a resolution to the angst toward the end. Hope you guys like it!
> 
> PLEASE NOTE: Do not repost my work anywhere. I do not give my permission.

The Red Plague claimed countless victims and each one of them weighed heavily on Julian Devorak's shoulders. One, however, stood out for him the most. It was a constant reminder of the fact that he had failed those he held most dear and the guilt was crushing.

Asra had grown distant as a result and Julian wasn't sure how to get through to him. Or If Asra even wanted him to. He was so hard to read and Julian's uncertainty got the better of him. So he threw himself into his work, searching for a cure, but finding himself nowhere near succeeding. It was maddening.

Going back to Asra's shop was never easy. There was always a feeling of something missing. Something was indeed missing. Or someone. Someone precious whose things were still where they'd been left after last being used or touched by their owner. Julian knew Asra felt that absence just as keenly as he did.

Asra spent long days buried in his magical tomes, though what he was researching, Julian did not know. He didn't ask either. He figured Asra wouldn't appreciate him prying. If Asra had wanted Julian to know, then he would have told him. So, Julian left him to it.

There were times, however, when both needed the connection they used to share. Before, there'd been three. Now, there were only two. And Julian and Asra had no idea how to just be two instead of three. It made their limited interactions awkward and difficult, like the glue that had held them together was gone.

Julian clung to that connection though because it was the only thing he had left aside from his drive to find a cure. Pasha was a distant memory since he hadn't seen her in years. What he'd found in his two lovers had made him whole, yet now he and Asra were both incomplete. Every day was difficult, yet somehow, they trudged forward, navigating their way through the grief that threatened to consume them both.

Julian needed some semblance of normalcy or he felt he was going to lose his mind without it. The stress of his work was getting to him and he desperately wanted just a few hours to have even a shred of the life he'd had before the plague changed everything for the worst. 

He went to Asra's shop in the middle of the night, knowing Asra was likely still awake, nose buried in his books while he researched whatever he was looking for. Julian still had his key. He spent more time in that dank and horrible dungeon than he did in the place he'd once called home. Where he'd once dared to be happy.

The interior of the lower level was dark, but Julian knew his way by heart, finding the stairs and ascending to the top floor. He could see candlelight before he reached the landing. Sure enough, Asra was seated at the table, books open and spread out across the surface, his quill moving rapidly across a piece of parchment. There were several others on the table, all covered in Asra's neat script and various symbols. Julian didn't try to get a better look. Instead, he focused on the magician that was one of two people he'd given his heart to.

The scratching of the quill ceased when Julian's footsteps were heard and violet eyes met grey. Grief lingered in both. The distance between them was small, yet Julian felt as if it were miles long. He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat and forced himself to speak.

"Uh. Good evening," he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, his gaze dropping down to land on the floor.

"Hello, Ilya," Asra replied quietly, setting the quill down on the table beside where Faust was curled up near one of the candles. "It's been a while since you were here last."

"Ah, yes, well." Julian cleared his throat. "I, uh. I'm sorry. I've been... Well. I've been working."

"I'm aware. Any luck?" The plague was a difficult subject under any circumstance, but knowing he'd have to tell Asra he was still failing was hard.

"Ah, no. Unfortunately not. I'm trying though. I really am trying my hardest," he told the white-haired magician. He wondered if that was the truth. If there was something more he could be doing or could have done. Maybe if he had, there wouldn't be this aching emptiness in his heart where their lover had once been.

"I know you are, Ilya." Asra rose from the table, steps quiet as he walked over to Julian and stood before him. "You've been working non-stop, haven't you." It was a statement. Not a question. Asra still knew him so well. Some things never changed at least. Thankfully.

"I have to. I can't afford to fail anymore. Not after..." His gaze strayed to the counter where a colorful mug sat. Neither of them could bring themselves to use it. It wasn't theirs.

"Ilya. Working yourself to death won't save anyone. And you know they wouldn't want you doing this to yourself," he said quietly. Julian felt Asra's hands come to rest on his shoulders and closed his eyes. It was the first gentle touch he'd experienced since before they both lost their love. It made his eyes damp beneath the lids.

"I can't stop," he admitted quietly, voice wavering slightly. "I have to keep trying so no one else has to feel this way. So I don't lose you too." Julian opened his eyes to look at Asra's face again. He worried that he already had lost Asra though. He felt a tear slipping down his cheek and quickly brushed it away.

Julian's eyes widened when he suddenly felt Asra's arms go around him. The embrace left him trembling and he clutched at the magician as more tears slipped down his face. He could tell Asra was in much the same state. Julian could hear it in his voice.

"It's not your fault," Asra told him, voice unsteady. "You're just one man, Ilya. One man putting himself against an epidemic. You're doing the best you can."

"What if I'm not? What if I'm missing something? I have to be missing something..." His voice broke and he closed his eyes tightly, clinging to Asra desperately. He pressed his face into the curve of Asra's neck, his tears falling onto Asra's golden skin. The scent of herbs and home filled his lungs. It left him feeling weak in the knees from the realization of just how much he needed it. Needed this.

"Don't do this to yourself," Asra said quietly, fingers of one hand sliding into Julian's auburn hair, cradling his head against Asra's shoulder while his other arm remained around him in their embrace.

"If I hadn't failed, they'd still be here," Julian protested, words lost in a sob that had him closing his eyes tightly once more and left him trembling in the magician's arms.

"Ilya..." Asra sighed quietly, hand rubbing gently across the doctor's back. "I miss them too. So much that it fucking hurts all the time. But it wasn't your fault. You know they'd tell you the same thing if they could."

Asra was right, but it was difficult for Julian to admit it, as wrapped up as he was in his own self-loathing. His heart lurched in his chest when Asra continued.

"I miss you too. I'm sorry. I should have been there for you. This would have been at least a little easier if we had been there for each other from the start. Losing them could never be easy, but we would have had each other to lean on and help ourselves through the grief." Asra leaned back to look at him as Julian lifted his head, his thumb gently brushing away some of Julian's tears.

"I wasn't there for you either. I didn't know how to handle any of this. I, I'm sorry, Asra. I'm so sorry." Julian rested his forehead against Asra's, having to bend a bit to do so given the bit of a height difference. "I miss them too. And you. But I promise I'll be here for you if you need me from now on."

Asra gave him a faint smile. "I'll do the same for you, Ilya. I promise. Don't worry, though. I've been doing a lot of research over the last few months and I have a plan."

Julian wanted to ask about the plan and what it detailed, but when he felt Asra's lips against his own for the first time in months, coherent thought fell by the wayside. A quiet little sob escaped him and he framed Asra's face in his hands, returning that kiss fervently. It had been too damn long and Julian had been aching for it ever since the plague had taken their lover from them.

Asra seemed to be in a similar state and when the kiss turned urgent, it was Asra who made the first move to start divesting Julian of his clothing. The doctor's coat hit the floor and his shirt wasn't far behind. Julian helped however needed to get out of his garments as quickly as possible, groaning when he felt Asra's warm hands sliding over his bare flesh.

Things happened quickly after that. Clothes were strewn across the floor and furniture, thankfully missing the lit candles. Julian was desperate and Asra pulled him down onto the bed they shared, their bodies pressing together, skin to skin. It made Julian whine against the magician's lips. He shivered when Asra's magic worked him open and made him slick with lubricant. He'd missed that little trick more than he realized.

When Asra entered him, Julian keened, short nails digging into Asra's shoulders and leaving little crescent marks behind. He was so hot and tight. It had been a long time for them. The last time they'd lain together, there had been a third person beside them, telling them how gorgeous they were, watching as Asra and Julian pleasured each other. The ache built again and Julian smothered it with a kiss from Asra's lips.

Julian was left a writhing, moaning mess beneath Asra, pleading for more, for everything Asra wanted to give him as their bodies moved together. He felt Asra sliding into him as deeply as he could go and Julian relished that precious connection he'd missed so much, his hands sliding greedily over Asra's body. His words were frantic, love and devotion uttered in a desperate, wrecked voice in Asra's ear.

When Asra's hand curled around Julian's neglected cock, the doctor knew he wouldn't last long. He arched beneath his lover, skin flushed with arousal and his pupils blown with it. He could see Asra watching his every reaction and movement. Then he felt Asra's lips against his own as his thrusts became erratic the closer he was to his release. Julian was close as well, squirming on the bed, hands wandering over Asra eagerly.

Asra came first and Julian felt the warmth of his release inside of him. It had been so long and the sensation brought tears to his eyes once more as his own orgasm ripped through him. His cry of pleasure was given against Asra's lips, the pleasure drawn out for them both as much as possible before they were left slumped and panting on the bed.

Julian's exhaustion took the opportunity, making itself known as it dragged him down into sleep fairly quickly after their lovemaking. He gave a quiet whine of protest when Asra's warmth retreated, but couldn't keep his eyes open. He barely registered Asra cleaning him up and tucking him in. Then he fell asleep. He didn't sleep very well, but it was better sleep than he'd gotten in months. And since he was asleep, he missed Asra's quietly uttered words as the magician stroked the doctor's hair, violet eyes resting on the books strewn across his table.

"Don't worry, Ilya. I have a plan that will fix everything."

**Author's Note:**

> Want to get updates on my writing? Come say hi on my social media. I’d love to hear from you! :)
> 
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